Missing home

Im missing home and work terribly. I wonder what that little rascal has been doing when i am not at home.😰 I thought i could refrain myself from crying but i just can't. I got so embarrased when the nurses and my bestie saw me crying. But thanks for all the well wishes and for those who pampers me with either gifts , flowers and nourishing food...i really appreciate it alot. Seeing you guys makes me really happy. In fact, i got much better yesterday evening and took abunch of selfie. Little did i know that i am still unstable and Dr has warned me not to take this lightly. I have been getting alot of side effects from my regular steroids that includes bowel problems, weight gain, joint aches and bloated 100% all the time.

I hope i can get better soon. I really really hope and that is all i can do now.

Realizing life when you are ill.

I have been away for while now.. and realizing the importance of it as i'm sitting down on my hospital bed with oxygen and nebulizers every 2 hours and have doctors worrying and checking on me twice a day.

Recent obsession with stories on cancer made realize that one does not realize how important life is until they get really sick. Chronically sick. Having the fear to wake up in the morning knowing that you're never going to get better frightened me. No amount of medicines , doctors , surgeries will help you but just need to take up the courage to accept the fact that you will not get any better. 

Recently an elderly close family member was diagnosed, unfortunately , of pancreas carcinoma, fortunately, early stage and hopefully will recover after a major surgery. But compared to me, i'm so young, i'm only 28 years-old. Well, correction, I'm not saying that i'm diagnose with it but very strong genetics of cancer. Being ill tells a different side of humanity and isn't as glamorous as seen in movies. The worst part being chronically ill isn't just the physical pin but the emotional pain that comes along with it when you realized who really cared and who will go extra mile for you just to make you feel better (at least).

Sometimes you reach a point knowing news that is so sad that cannot hold back your tears when thinking of it. You think you can mask it and escape the emotional torture but it comes in a package. the overwhelming emotional burden makes you feel like holding your head down in the water  slowing drowning and finally pitch dark tunnel is all you can see. Any day anything could go wrong , even having the risk of walking down the street  the possibility of getting runover by a car is unknown. It is difficult not to feel anxious and what lies ahead in the future is still a giant question mark. Most of the time you do not get answers that you want when you are sick, and when you do those are the answers you wish you hadn't heard any way.

There is one thing that i wish for when i'm sick. That is hope. Hope that there will be finally a day i can get better on that silly little scale. Hoping that one day i will get a glimpse of normal life like being fine when i travels and even enjoy adventurous things that i loved. Knowing technically being sick means my genes sucks of God just plain hates me but i definitely not blaming anyone here. But somehow being sick has made me a better person. But i do strongly feel that being that sick person - or rather representing young sick people-  are some of the best person that you'll ever meet. 

Healthy people are great too. But when you are sick you tend to love every good second, every minute way much more and you tend not to fear death because you have stared it straight in the face. The best thing is you understand things that other people might take granted for. 

Being sick allow you to have insight and knowledge about life as it eats away at your on its own , at your own to be exact. You know it is not important to dwell on the little things anymore although it matters because you have more important things to worry about. Being sick is the greatest blessing in disguise. It is so much more than just having an illness. It’s having your entire life be taken out of your control, and fighting to get it back. And that fight will never end.